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Buy This Stuff: Do It
Seasoning to Taste: Good Luck
Step 1a: Look at the shallots, intensely so they know you mean business, but hold back a little, you don’t want to scare them… yet.
Step 1b: Cut off the head and the butt of the shallot. Do it fast, it smells fear. Now that the enemy has been neutralized, cut the shallot in half the long way.
Step 1c: I know what you're thinking, stop it.
Step 1d: Lay each shallot half flat on their tummy, tell them it’ll be okay, and now cut them into thin slices, spread the thin strings of shallot with your fingers with no mercy, and throw them in a bowl on the side with all of the anger that keeps you up at night. Stop crying, it’ll be delicious.
Step 1d: Place a pan on the stove at about medium temp, add some olive oil and butter. The amount is up to you, I’m not helping here. Let it heat up.
Step 1e: Once hot, add in those angry onions strings and sauté until brown, silky, and a little moist.
Step 1f: Once done, set aside and tell the bowl of sautéed onions that you're not mad, just disappointed. Truthfully, you're proud.
Step 2a: Add water to the pot slowly like you care about it. Use enough water to safe some of that beautiful goodness for later. I normally try add a little more than it takes to cover my pasta.
Step 2b: Add the salt in like you’re mad at it, just enough so the water tastes like the tears of your enemies (life’s too short, forgive them).
Step 2c: Add garlic powder, onion powder, and pepper, in the order of nerdiest to coolest (to taste, sip it, you won’t). The water should be ice cold at this point, do not sip boiling water for heavens sake.
Step 2d: At this point, if you haven’t added the love, don’t force it. It’ll come. However, regardless, now add 1/4 cup of butter to the water.
Step 2e: Bring to a boil, staring at it from a safe distance, to make sure it boils as far as possible and doesn’t try to walk out like they all do.
Step 2f: Once the bubbles party is ready and it’s boiling like my anger for feta cheese, put the pasta in the bubble bath until they are al dente (check the box of the pasta brand you are using for directions, how would I know).
Step 2g: Reserve 1-2 cups of that naughty noodle jacuzzi pasta party for later. Keep it safe, but not too safe.
Step 3a: Take the heavy cream out of the fridge and bring it to room temperature.
Step 3b: Gently peal your garlic cloves. Look at what you’ve done. Slowly and meticulously cut the cloves in half the long way. Lay the halves flat on their bellies. Cut thin slices of garlic.
Step 3c: Put 1/2 cup of butter in the pot you boiled your pasta in, which should have no more water in it. I shouldn’t have to tell you this. Set heat to medium/low, but set your heart to medium/high. Once the butter has melted add in the garlic and let cook for ~3 mins, the garlic to cook.
Step 3d: Pour in that room temperature heavy cream and let it simmer for at medium-low 3-5 minutes, stirring frequently.
Step 3e: Force two egg yolks into a bowl, slowly adding the hot combo of cow derivatives (milk and butter). Whisking fast with a fork as you add the hot moo sauce. Now pour the egg mixture into the sauce. This will temper the eggs and prevent them from scrambling that Grand Daddy Sauce!
Step 3f: Season the sauce in the pot with salt and pepper to taste and continue to simmer for 2 mins, monitoring the heat so you don’t absolutely ruin your sauce, which would be sad.
Step 3g: At this point, you should have added in the love. I know, it’s everywhere.
Step 3h: Once hot, add in the grated parmesan cheese so it melty melts. Mix frequently to avoid clumping and burning. The temperature should still be at a medium-low, adjusting as needed to avoid separating or burning the sauce.
Step 3i: Throw that now probably cold but still delicious pasta in there and have no mercy. It'll get warm and toasty again.
